About Me

I am an individual stuck in a rut who loves to re-name her 21 cats in the cabin she lives in at the edge of that god-awful forest on the other side of China that no one can reach.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

American Apparel Intervention

[5 people are sitting in a half circle with one open seat in the middle. Starting from stage left going to their right: GINNY, a normal girl with wavy brown hair, blue eyes, and pale skin; JORGE, a Hispanic scene kid overstraightened flat jet black hair; DENISE, a shy girl with short blonde bob cut and a bow headband; PASCALE, a red head with a beard, who is wearing WesC headphones and is jamming out to “Holland, 1945” loudly, and, KATE, a 14-year-old girl who tries too hard to channel Cory Kennedy.]

Enter JOAN, intervention head. She looks as though she was a former mannequin for Talbots. She walks out with tablet in hand.

JOAN: Hello everyone, my name is Joan. I will be conducting this inter-I mean "helpful discussion" today.
GINNY, JORGE, DENISE, PASCALE, KATE [mumbles]: Hello.
JOAN: You are all here today to...
PASCALE [loudly and out of tune]: "AND NOW SHE'S A LITTLE BOY IN SPAIN, PLAYING PIANOS FILLED WITH-"
JOAN: Excuse me, sir...
PASCALE: "BUT NOW WE MUST PACK UP EVERY PI-EEEEECE!"
KATE [ripping off PASCALE's headphones]: Dude. Woah.
JOAN: Now, may we begin please?
[JOAN pauses in motion and expects response. KATE looks at the cuticles of her nailbeds.]
JOAN: Okay, so you are all here to discuss your addiction to...[Opens tablet] American Apparel?
DENISE: Yes.
JOAN: Now, let's go around and state your name and your addiction. This is your first step in recovery.
[Everyone but JOAN groans.]
JORGE: I mean, gosh! That's so stereotypical. If we know why we're here, why can't we just go on with this? I mean, we're already uncomfortable as it is. You know what I mean?
[The word "mean" echoes.]
JOAN: Okay, so, then Jorge, why don't you go first. How did your addiction begin?
JORGE: So, you know, I first saw American Apparel when walking down the street, and I was like, "SO AWESOME!" So, I walked in, and me, being all different and stuff, decided to buy all their Composition T-Shirts. I, like, died, you know?
KATE: I have one of those shi-
JORGE: You know, so then, I kept going back for me, and I was like, addicted, you know? And [GINNY takes out a beat-up copy of Dazed and Confused and opens in the middle and begins reading.] I like orgasm every time I walk in there! IT'S SO-
JOAN: Do you mind?
GINNY: Excuse me?
JOAN: Do you mind putting your magazine away? It's part of the recovery process to listen to those with the same problems as you.
[GINNY stares at JOAN and then puts away her magazine.]
JOAN: As you were saying... [Waves hand to indicate name]
JORGE: The name's Jorge. Anyways, so, it's just SOOO AMAZING! [giggles]
JOAN: All right, Jorge. Now, Reader, what is your story?
GINNY: It's Ginny. I just went there because there's not many places in my town to shop.
JOAN: Is that it?
GINNY: Basically.
JOAN: So, why are you here?
GINNY: My American Eagle wearing friends sent me.
JOAN: Oh, okay. [yawns and attempts to keep my eyes open] So, let's get this over with, shall we? Now, do all of you feel you need to be cured of your addiction?
KATE: No.
JOAN: Why?
KATE [slurred lazy speech]: BecauseIfeellikeIammyselfatAmericanApparel. LikeIdon'tknowthefeeling. It'sasthoughI'malive, onheroin. Icannotbelieveit. And...Idon'tknow.
JOAN: Can you repeat, please?
KATE: BecauseIfeellikemeat-
PASCALE [slight lisp]: I don't want to be cured.
JOAN: Why don't you want to-
PASCALE: Pashcale. Because I like American Apparel. I like their Sh-lim Sh-lacks. Oh, did you all hear? The price of Sh-lim Sh-lacks went up to sh-venty four dollarsh!
GINNY: Noooo!
KATE: Why?
DENISE: That sucks.
JORGE: My life is like over.
GINNY: I was saving up for the red ones too.
KATE: Iown3ofthosesosuckit.
JOAN: CALM DOWN EVERYONE! Three deep breaths. One...two...three. Now, let's continue. Now, you [points to DENISE], why American Apparel?
DENISE: I like it.
JOAN: Well...
[As JOAN waits for a response, DENISE produces a blank stare.]
JOAN: Well, as the flyer states, you should not be wearing American Apparel now, has everyone followed this?
PASCALE: Mish, I would have to come naked if you didn't want me to wear American Apparel. It'sh all I have.
JOAN: What?
KATE: Ifyouwantmetostrip, that'sfine.
JOAN: Don't you guys have some real clothing?
[Everyone but Joan gasps.]
JORGE: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT! I'm leaving.
[Puts on 30h!3 cap and exits, stage right]
PASCALE: ME TOO! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!! HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR ADSH?
KATE [under breath]: Perv.
[PASCALE glares, puts headphones on and exits stage right]
GINNY: You must at least repect the clothing we have. If you would excuse me...
[Takes PS1 bag and exits. KATE follows]
JOAN [sighs and turns to DENISE]: Well... [points towards exit]
[DENISE gets up and scurries off]

Joan gazes around the circle and puts her head in her hands.

Black out.

End scene.

(Oh, and a small PS: Kate is not supposed to directly depict Cory Kennedy. I know Cory Kennedy probably doesn't want to strip in front of a group of awkward strangers.)

7 comments:

In-tree-gue said...

this is sooo funny!

Bukuroshe said...

I luv this!!! Its really funny. Thnx for commenting my blog. I thought I was alone in the dark. Nobody would come. So thnx. <3

nycartstyle said...

hysterical. did you write this yourself?

and would you believe i don't own a single thing from american apparel. :gasp:

Chloe said...

This is amazing

I think I might have an addiction to AA

nycartstyle said...

lol it's random but i think the blog smileys are so sketchy.

discothequechic said...

hahahaha

this is the funniest. and most clever thing. like, ever.

Malena said...

Oh my goodness, so funny. I'm linking to your blog on my page
Malena