American Apparel Intervention

[5 people are sitting in a half circle with one open seat in the middle. Starting from stage left going to their right: GINNY, a normal girl with wavy brown hair, blue eyes, and pale skin; JORGE, a Hispanic scene kid overstraightened flat jet black hair; DENISE, a shy girl with short blonde bob cut and a bow headband; PASCALE, a red head with a beard, who is wearing WesC headphones and is jamming out to “Holland, 1945” loudly, and, KATE, a 14-year-old girl who tries too hard to channel Cory Kennedy.]

Enter JOAN, intervention head. She looks as though she was a former mannequin for Talbots. She walks out with tablet in hand.

JOAN: Hello everyone, my name is Joan. I will be conducting this inter-I mean "helpful discussion" today.
GINNY, JORGE, DENISE, PASCALE, KATE [mumbles]: Hello.
JOAN: You are all here today to...
PASCALE [loudly and out of tune]: "AND NOW SHE'S A LITTLE BOY IN SPAIN, PLAYING PIANOS FILLED WITH-"
JOAN: Excuse me, sir...
PASCALE: "BUT NOW WE MUST PACK UP EVERY PI-EEEEECE!"
KATE [ripping off PASCALE's headphones]: Dude. Woah.
JOAN: Now, may we begin please?
[JOAN pauses in motion and expects response. KATE looks at the cuticles of her nailbeds.]
JOAN: Okay, so you are all here to discuss your addiction to...[Opens tablet] American Apparel?
DENISE: Yes.
JOAN: Now, let's go around and state your name and your addiction. This is your first step in recovery.
[Everyone but JOAN groans.]
JORGE: I mean, gosh! That's so stereotypical. If we know why we're here, why can't we just go on with this? I mean, we're already uncomfortable as it is. You know what I mean?
[The word "mean" echoes.]
JOAN: Okay, so, then Jorge, why don't you go first. How did your addiction begin?
JORGE: So, you know, I first saw American Apparel when walking down the street, and I was like, "SO AWESOME!" So, I walked in, and me, being all different and stuff, decided to buy all their Composition T-Shirts. I, like, died, you know?
KATE: I have one of those shi-
JORGE: You know, so then, I kept going back for me, and I was like, addicted, you know? And [GINNY takes out a beat-up copy of Dazed and Confused and opens in the middle and begins reading.] I like orgasm every time I walk in there! IT'S SO-
JOAN: Do you mind?
GINNY: Excuse me?
JOAN: Do you mind putting your magazine away? It's part of the recovery process to listen to those with the same problems as you.
[GINNY stares at JOAN and then puts away her magazine.]
JOAN: As you were saying... [Waves hand to indicate name]
JORGE: The name's Jorge. Anyways, so, it's just SOOO AMAZING! [giggles]
JOAN: All right, Jorge. Now, Reader, what is your story?
GINNY: It's Ginny. I just went there because there's not many places in my town to shop.
JOAN: Is that it?
GINNY: Basically.
JOAN: So, why are you here?
GINNY: My American Eagle wearing friends sent me.
JOAN: Oh, okay. [yawns and attempts to keep my eyes open] So, let's get this over with, shall we? Now, do all of you feel you need to be cured of your addiction?
KATE: No.
JOAN: Why?
KATE [slurred lazy speech]: BecauseIfeellikeIammyselfatAmericanApparel. LikeIdon'tknowthefeeling. It'sasthoughI'malive, onheroin. Icannotbelieveit. And...Idon'tknow.
JOAN: Can you repeat, please?
KATE: BecauseIfeellikemeat-
PASCALE [slight lisp]: I don't want to be cured.
JOAN: Why don't you want to-
PASCALE: Pashcale. Because I like American Apparel. I like their Sh-lim Sh-lacks. Oh, did you all hear? The price of Sh-lim Sh-lacks went up to sh-venty four dollarsh!
GINNY: Noooo!
KATE: Why?
DENISE: That sucks.
JORGE: My life is like over.
GINNY: I was saving up for the red ones too.
KATE: Iown3ofthosesosuckit.
JOAN: CALM DOWN EVERYONE! Three deep breaths. One...two...three. Now, let's continue. Now, you [points to DENISE], why American Apparel?
DENISE: I like it.
JOAN: Well...
[As JOAN waits for a response, DENISE produces a blank stare.]
JOAN: Well, as the flyer states, you should not be wearing American Apparel now, has everyone followed this?
PASCALE: Mish, I would have to come naked if you didn't want me to wear American Apparel. It'sh all I have.
JOAN: What?
KATE: Ifyouwantmetostrip, that'sfine.
JOAN: Don't you guys have some real clothing?
[Everyone but Joan gasps.]
JORGE: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT! I'm leaving.
[Puts on 30h!3 cap and exits, stage right]
PASCALE: ME TOO! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!! HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR ADSH?
KATE [under breath]: Perv.
[PASCALE glares, puts headphones on and exits stage right]
GINNY: You must at least repect the clothing we have. If you would excuse me...
[Takes PS1 bag and exits. KATE follows]
JOAN [sighs and turns to DENISE]: Well... [points towards exit]
[DENISE gets up and scurries off]

Joan gazes around the circle and puts her head in her hands.

Black out.

End scene.

(Oh, and a small PS: Kate is not supposed to directly depict Cory Kennedy. I know Cory Kennedy probably doesn't want to strip in front of a group of awkward strangers.)